Is my story good?

pls visit my site at freewebs.com/stories2share


(and please dont think im deranged or "disturbed" or something, i just like action-y and sometimes violence makes the story better)








Part 1





The music was blaring. Everybody swayed to the beat of the music and some people danced. Blue disposable cups swarmed over every surface possible in the main rooms people were in: the living and family room, the basement, and the loft.


Amanda ran upstairs to find her friend in the master suite bathroom, the birthday boy, Eric, talking to some girl. It was his sixteenth birthday party, his birthday really was a few weeks ago, but they had to have the party this late. She swung open the door when she heard his voice; Eric holding some large bottle, drinking it, but she couldn't tell what it was until he moved his arm and it said " Tequila" and some fancy name underneath.


"Eric." She said through her teeth, "what is that you are drinking?"


"Something," he replied.


"Eric, why are you drinking? Beer is ONE thing, but tequila is another! You know you have to drive me home tonight! Put it down!" She glared at him, then slammed the door.


Amanda tromped down the stairs, avoiding the dancing people and ran out the door. She got outside and sat on the bench, she dialed Sam's number and waited for her to answer.


"Hi Sam!" She shouted over the loud music in the background. Sam was in the house at the party too, but Amanda didn't feel like searching for her since she was really stressed out. She said hi too, when Amanda and heard her swallowing something and wondered if she was drinking too. Ignoring it she said "I found Eric drinking something. Alcohol. So what do you think of that?"


"It's really not that big of a deal, everybody drinks Amanda. Lots of kids snuck them from Eric's parent's bar." Sam said.


"I don't care! I know I might be sounding corny to you Sam but we are underaged and we have to drive home! And if we get caught, half of us don't even have our licenses, only our permits..." after she said that, Amanda closed her phone. She marched right over to the front door and made the biggest entrance she could make.


Amanda searched the whole house and found thirteen people drinking, and snatched their bottles and dumped the drinks down the drain. After that, she filled them all at different levels as before with water, luckily they were all dark bottles so you couldn't really tell about colors. Oh, the suprise the kids will get when they try drinking it again, but then again, what about Eric's parents? Oh well, the kids had to drive back, and I don't want anybody to get hurt...


She met with all of her friends in the backyard around 10:30. She saw Eric come through the backdoor with a bottle again, and was drinking it. He was so drunk, he couldn't even tell he was drinking water!


"Why did you take our drinks Amanda? " Eric said, "You know, like everybody is so mad at you." Then they started talking about how they were going to hunt her down and beat her up...?


"I can't believe you." She mumbled under her breath. They couldn't hear her, but even if they could like, they would even remember it.


Then, everyone started talking to each other with their hand in front of their face like they didn't want Amanda to hear, and then snatched her cup of punch and hid behind the bushes.


"You guys are acting so childish!" she yelled. Then they came back.


"We SWEAR we didn't do anything to your cup." Eric said. She asked "Then why did they take it in the first place!" But like she really believed that they didn't do anything to it. They kept getting closer to her and said "Drink it! Drink it!". If she told them she knew they did something to it, then they would be mad at her, and then they'd say she didn't trust them. Only one cup of stuff she told herself, one BIG cup of stuff. She couldn't decide, what would my parents think? But that was later and this is now, my friends in my face. She felt every second tick by. Amanda picked up the cup from Sam's hand, and drank it. She knew her parents would be really mad at her. After that, she really couldn't decide whether or not she was their friends anymore for what they did to her.








Part 2





Next, she went to the park with her friends. Marc, Eric and Hannah rode in Marc's car, and Sam and Amanda walked. she insisted they didn't put one foot in the car after drinking, but thankfully they made it in one piece. Marc and Hannah sat on the end of the double-seated slide. The rest of them sat on the ground .


"So what do you think our parents will do when they see us like this?" Amanda asked.


"You mean if they see us," Eric said. Amanda sort of did a glare at him, and shouted "It's your faults! You drank, and snuck liquor in my punch!!!" even though she knew she still chose to drink it knowing they did something to it.


Luckily, when Eric passed out then, he was sitting down already. You pig, she thought. Everybody knew Eric drank the most out of all of them. When they were talking again, Hannah passed out in the middle of a sentence. Sam and Marc started arguing until Sam punched Marc in the face and he was knocked out. "Just you and me now Amanda" Sam said, "Amanda, what do we do now? I mean look at all of us..." There was a long pause.


"Well, I give up." Amanda said to Sam, and layed on the soft grass, then looked over at her, but she was already curled up too on the ground, sound asleep.











When Amanda woke up, she tried to stretch and squirm and she opened and closed her eyes in the pillow to get them used to being awake. She yawned, and sat up. It was dim. She reached for her cell phone to check the time when she saw she wasn't at the park, or even at home. Amanda saw bars, she was in a jail cell. She saw a skeleton under her bed and gasped, ran to the corner of the room and gagged. She looked down at herself and saw she was in a grimy t-**** and shorts that were black and white striped. Some uniforms they have here, Amanda thought. It was a tiny cell. She ran to the divider and tried to dig a little bit of plaster stuff out to make a hole to see through. She looked and saw Hannah on the other side. She looked up and saw there was just enough space to the ceiling so she could climb over, so she did.


Amanda ran to the side of the bed where Hannah was, and she noticed that Hannah was still sleeping. She shook her to jar her out of sleep, but she didn't budge. Then she smacked her across the face.


"Gosh!" she yelled, and opened her eyes to see who it was and her eyes widened, she realized too that she wasn't at home.


"Shut up," Amanda snapped quietly and put her hand over Hannah's mouth. "We're in jail...I think. Look over there, see those bars? We are in cells, but it might not really be a jail, because I found and old body under my bed, they can't really do that, can they?" She whispered, and took her hand off of her mouth so she could reply. Just incase it was a real jail, Amanda treated it like a real jail. She climbed over the divider, back to her cell and sat on the bed. "Hello! I would like to make my phone call now!" Then upstairs she heard heavy foot steps, boots, and they trailed heavily and slowly down the stairs until a man appeared at the bottom, in front of Amanda's cell.


"You won't be makin' any phone calls here," The man said. he was dressed in a police uniform, should she believe him? Was he really a police officer? He denied her a phone call, so it mustn't be.


"Where am I? Is this a real jail? When can we go home-"


"Shut up!" He snapped.


"Let me out!!!" Amanda yelled back. The man turned around and then paused when he heard Amanda start to sob, then when he heard what it was, he continued up the stairs. Amanda got off the floor, brushed herself off, and whispered "Don't worry." to Hannah's cell. Through the hole in the wall, she saw Hannah crying. I have to think, how am I going to get out of here? She sat on the bed softly because she remembered it creaking last time she sat down. My retainer! She said in her head. Amanda knew her retainer cost over a hundred bucks, but she had to get out, her mom would understand. She took it out of her mouth and twisted the wires into a stick shape as straight and not kinked as possible. She walked in front of the door and knelt to eye height with the lock and attempted to pick the lock. She remembered doing less complicated locks a few years ago, like her sister's room... and her sister's diary, when...CLICK. She cheered in her head and smiled. She opened the door as small as possible just enough to squeeze through, to reduce creaking noises. She walked quickly to Hannah's cell and studied the outside lock. It was really easy, there was just a lever to pull at the very top, but out of reach because a board blocked the openings of the bars to the person on the inside the cell, then Amanda walked into Hannah's cell.


"Hannah, I got out, and I got you out now, just get up, we're free!" She walked toward Hannah and shook her, but when she did, Hannah's head was separated from her neck and it smacked onto the ground. She stepped back and screamed with hot air coming from her mouth instead of noise.

Is my story good?
Good start. What happens next?
Reply:yea its pretty interesting... good job.
Reply:You cant really tell cos its only the start but its cool



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